But then I realize, that blogging is SUCH therapy for me. I end up regurgitating thoughts, struggles, fears, hopes and dreams onto a completely blank white 8 1/2X11 screen like this......
and I feel so much better. I guess it's like the hour "venting" phone call to your BFF. Something about saying your thoughts (or in this case, typing), just makes them so much more real. Then you realize the depth of who you are and where you need to go....
So here's the update on life.....
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I sound like a broken record everyday with the words... "I NEED A VACATION..." Seriously, Tim and I usually take a sabbatical (if that's even possible) once a year from parenting for say....maybe a few days. Our 15th wedding anniversary was last September and for the first time didn't go ANYWHERE to celebrate it. It was one of those times where we really felt like we were suppose to save all our pennies for an adoption we had know idea when was coming.....low and behold she came 2 mos later to the day.
And the rest is history.
On Saturday morning, Tim and the girls decided I needed to take a "day off"....how sweet. That only translated to me as..."we're not sure we want to be around you today, you are so stressed out...."
Perfect timing as I received a phone call minutes later from a friend feeling the same "AGGHHHH" I was feeling.....I stopped the convo and suggested us seeing the movie "Mom's Night Out" that I had heard such great things about.... it was perfect timing as Hope had been sick all week with her first fever, Tim had been gone to Texas that week, contractors were in our home re-gutting our unwanted bathroom remodel from last year(too much for one post), and I hadn't slept in 6 1/2mos..... but I think it was the 7 times getting up the night before with Miss Hope that DID.ME.IN....I didn't even want to be around myself.....
At 3:40pm we went off to see it..... after watching 30 minutes of previews, my phone rings during the first lines of the movie...It was one of my children....asking me where one of my other child's phone was......yes, that happened......
A lot of you just held your own breath for me.....I know you can relate. I think my calming words to my child was....."I AM AT THE MOVIES. ISN'T YOUR FATHER AT HOME?!?!?!?!"
Thankfully, I was able to sit the next hour and a half laughing, and also panicking through the movie, and thankful I wasn't the only one that feels like a failure of a mom, even if it was a red curly headed actress proving it....
All this to say, I'm not sure I want to blog saying..."God has you right where you're suppose to be. Being a Mom is the greatest thing in the whole world. Oh, you haven't slept in forever...no worries, it's only a season. You'll sleep again one day."......First of all, if you have adult children, how can you even SAY that to someone.......did you sleep right through your children's teenage years. Ha! So, I'm not going to say those things, because frankly my dear when you're in that moment...they don't mean a damn.
Instead, I'm here to tell you mamas that......I LOVE YOU! That you are a rock star and that parenting has been and is the hardest thing you will EVER do. And that it is okay to wish that your shoulder could be more of a part of your body that your husband caresses, instead of a human tissue. And it's okay to wish your home smelt like Mr. Clean instead of the whiff of poop as you hunt for the unattended hidden poopy diaper. It's okay to want to get a shower before 3pm. And it's really okay if you have a glass of wine at 4:42pm because you held out as close to the 5 o'clock hour as possible....It's okay!! Okay, okay!!!
But, I wouldn't be helpful to you or myself if I didn't say, that yes, it is okay to wish for these things....long for these things....hope for just one of these things to happen throughout the day. But, I have had a major perspective issue lately. I've had entitlement issues over these things and I find myself not okay when I don't get one of them. I'm in constant battle with my flesh over the poop smells, the fact I hang out in my sweaty workout clothes that stay on my body until I can hop in the shower during Hope's first nap time, and when two missionaries show up at my door after a day from hell already, I find myself saying "why me, Lord...why me...".....
World English Dictionary
importance. There it is. What is important? Well, the shoulder was needed for Hope to wipe her nose on...at least I got to work out today...yay for poopies!! her bowels are working just fine....would you like to come in and talk with me about Jesus......
Oh, y'all, it's amazing how fast my vision can fog. It's amazing how selfish I am. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that forgives me when I don't have perspective and can change it for me when I need it so badly. All of life is a season, an ever changing season. True we can say, "this is just a season", but the reality is...a season will always stay the same to you where ever you are if you don't change your perspective. Seasons will change, but your approach to life will not. It will feel like you are constantly drowning and there is no hope. I've been there. I've been in that place where you feel completely helpless and that nothing will get better. I can't tell you it will get better. That's not my place, because you have that choice. You are the only one that can change your perspective and ask God to give you a new breath of air and strength to conquer the next challenge. You're the only one that can change, "okay Lord...WHY ME?", to "how do you want to use me, Lord???".... I'm not a believer in "God doesn't give you what you can't handle...", because this chicka wouldn't need God if I could handle it all. And trust me, I need Him. What I do believe is this...
Hebrews 13:20-21
20Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep,21equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."
and
Ephesians 3:16-19
16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
So, I know He equips me with His spirit to fight. I know that I need Him to guide me and I know I need to surrender my entitlements and my twisted perspective. I'm kind of at that place. I'm tired. But instead of longing for sleep, I need Jesus to fill me with rest. And there is sweet rest in surrendering my will. I'm just so stubborn. I want sleep. No really, I have times when I wake up, I search my schedule for the next available "rest" time....just 5 mins....that's all I need....
I have two girlies headed off to Northview Highschool next year, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to waste their summer with a bad perspective on my end. I NEED to change my perspective on this season, because the next season is right behind this one, and I know it. And I know I don't have any idea of what it holds except that if my perspective doesn't change, then no matter what it is I will feel like I'm drowning.
Perspective Peeps, Perspective.....
SO....... here's to poopies, green snot, sleepless nights, bathroom re- re-models and teenagers!
Besides, how could this face not wipe away all your troubles.....
Happy Tuesday, Peeps!
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