It most happens when I hear the words "so.....y'all go to Wiregrass now, huh?". It's normally asked, with a "huh" at the end, because you would never have thought 3 or 4 years ago we would EVER be there.
We've been attending for two years now. I still love for people to ask me about church, I get excited to talk about it....and this is why....
1.) because I love it
2.) because I'm excited about it
3.) because when people ask me about it, it totally could be that they want to know how I like it (and this has been the case), but more likely of late, it's because they have this "loss" feeling, perhaps just a TINY bit of emptiness....nothing maybe major, but just enough for them to ask me. Because they feel like something is missing in their life.
So here's the scoop....
1.) I'm here to write about my experience with those conversations
2.) not here to come across as "my" church is better then "your" church.... I just want to share my heart.
3.) number 2 would be the reason why church in general would cause me so much heart ache in the past
because.....
4.) it's not about me...but then again....it kinda is...
Let me explain #4...some will get this, some will not, and some will stop reading my blog for it, and that's fine; because I have this burden that aches sometimes inside to reach people that are holding on to this post with some hope, when it feels hopeless sometimes.
I remember a few years ago talking to someone very close to me about divorce. She quickly mentioned that "her" church, a big church I might add...in a BIG city I might also add; had nothing like this one situation I was talking about..
I think I threw up a little in my mouth....
Not sure if it was because she actually found THE PERFECT church with perfect people that have no problems, or because she was so out of touch with the reality that it IS in her church, just like it IS in every church.
I've been there. Trust me. I still have many moments of denial and self pity. I still have moments where I think I am the only one going through this, and that so and so and so and so don't EVER have this going on....so I DARE not share my feelings and let people see who I really am. OR moments that I think, "things really aren't THAT bad...."
Let's talk about the latter shall we...
Here is a my personal story over the last few years. You can take it with a grain of salt, you can stop reading now, or you can read these next lines and scream "THIS IS SOOOOOOO ME!!!!"
Tim and I were ALWAYS raised in church. My family was the traditional church hopping kind though. Leave a church when there's a dispute, yadda yadda, but Tim's was more of the church membership is like a marriage, do or die, you don't leave that church.
When Tim and I got married, he would agree, that church going wasn't that much of a priority for us. Trust me when I say, that we "knew" we should go; but.... in a way, we couldn't find "our place" in any we visited for a couple years, and honestly, it didn't "feel" that important to us.
We moved to South Carolina a couple years into our marriage, and for the first time, my eyes were open to SOOOOOO many things true. We found a church home, we were in a small group for the first time....a REAL small group. I actually had friends talk about their problems, not in a self pity or gossip way, but in a "I want Jesus, I want to change and make things better" kind of way. Their prayer requests were not on their neighbor's niece's, best friend's mother's cat that won't come out of the tree. It was more like, I bit my children's head off on the way to this flippin' bible study, I feel like a crappy mom; and I don't want to get up in the mornings sometimes..... I need help, kind of prayer requests. It was a huge monumental time in my spiritual life, as in, I met Jesus as my Savior, and not only the friend I asked Him to be at the age of Four.
We moved away (me, kicking and screaming) from South Carolina I'd called home, and headed back to where we were raised....good ol' southeast Alabama.....Bible Belt of the world...
Of course moving back you have every one and their mother invite you to church (...literally even their mother),and you start to feel this pressure. You think you can't possibly find "the PERFECT church" you left (I hope you have realized by now in this post that I am kidding, and totally know there is no PERFECT church)... but by gone it(!), We're (insert your denomination) so we are gonna go to one of the few (denomination) churches in town and call it a day....or heaven forbid, you have "X" amount of family members at "this" church so you HAVE to call it a day...
Don't get me wrong, PLEASE, we were at our previous church for 10 years. We loved that church, we still love the people at that church, there were definite times of growth there.
So why did we leave......
our family was in a drought.
How many times have y'all been so thirsty that you couldn't get water fast enough....or hungry you couldn't scarf down that bag of chips. Sure you take that first sip or that crumb and your body manages it. It takes it for what is needed. To fill a void....but it does not nourish, because you need more then a sip or a crumb to thrive.
For a few years, you could say we were in survival mode. You would probably never even know it if you walked day to day with us, but in reality, you probably did notice we were more stressed out, etc, etc, but didn't find it "your place" to ask us if everything was ok. We knew God, we walked with Him daily. He was an ever present in our home.....BUT, we were missing something... we were malnourished.
I don't feel it necessary to talk about "why" we were malnourished. For everyone it could be different ways, but in the end, it's all the same.... We needed more Jesus.
So back to the title....
When we decided we were to leave our church, this was one of the main questions that came to our decision...
When is it too late? How long do we wait? Why are we waiting until it's too late....
This is what I mean. Are there tough times, sure....should you fight battles, of course, life isn't easy. Like my neighbor who threw her hands up at the church 15 years ago and says she will never go back, says....."It's full of politics and hypocrites".
I got afraid, like REALLY afraid. I know my God, and I know He loves me beyond what I can fathom. We knew He was drawing us to Him and that He was placing that void so we would search Him, that we would seek His direction and we knew He was not going to leave us alone until He did...because He loves us and He wants all of us, fully. And that's what love is....that you would lay down your life, that you would use up all your energy for that person. Because Love takes a lot of energy, it actually sucks it right out of you...can I get an Amen from the parenting department!
I knew we weren't "immune" to sin destroying us when we were weak. The fact that it was more rampant during our drought is what drew us more to our knees. Why would we continue to be that Three year old that lays the finger so close to the item his mama told him not to touch...JUST TO SEE HOW CLOSE HE CAN GO, AND JUST MAYBE IT WILL BE OK...
I have seen marriages fall apart, children be horrifically abused and lives completely fall apart in "church" going families. I've seen these things first hand. I know the dangers of asking that question "when is it too late......" and deciding to not answer that with ways that can help, but with "is it really that bad, it's not THAT bad; we're really ok...or we will be...it'll be fine.....I know it will...
but reality..... if I refuse the direction my Savior is leading me; if I refuse His longing to pursue me and to grow me more like Him and to place me in a place I KNOW my heart is longing for, that "little void" of just needing more.... then I know I will try to fill it on my own with things and I know it will be temporary, that could end up being very dangerous....it could cost my life, my marriage, my children. I know my husband deserves more, I know my children deserve more, I know you deserve more...I know, I know, I know.....but it was so hard to know where and what exactly to do. Where do I take the first step? I know He's directing us, but just where exactly, Lord?? After prayer and seeking the Lord, those physical first steps can seem extremely painful. Like, you're not exactly sure where your going. But you are holding on to the truth and promise that He will never leave you. So you take those steps..... The exciting thing is following and when you find it, hearing your children say "how did we go this long with out it".... you just know, because you will have that big or "tiny" emptiness fill to over flowing....
Let me encourage you....Don't wait...Surround yourself with people that love you, that want you to know Jesus more; that want to hurt with you, that want to give all their energy up for you, that want to sing the name of Jesus with you, because they know they are messed up people in need daily of a Savior. People that want to do life with you, not just seeing you an hour or so, two or three times a week....and might I add, there's nothing more finer then a husband excited about church and what God is doing in his families life.
Jesus doesn't promise easy, but He does promise victory. Surround yourself with your army that is going to fight the battles of life with you, instead of making it more difficult to see through the forest, because sadly they could be the ones planting the trees.
If you are reading this, and your church community makes you excited, they point you to Jesus and live life openly with their struggles and victories, then I am so excited and thankful for you.....isn't it so awesome! I know that you can agree with me, that for the ones reading this that don't have that, they need love....invite them to your church, and love them, because you know where they are and you want so much more for them.
If you are like my neighbor, that has said "absolutely not", to ever stepping foot back into the church, let me say this.....
The church is full of politics and hypocrites. Old money and big money often rule it, you're right. This isn't something new, it is something Paul wrote often about in the New Testament. People like me say we're going to be there for you and then we don't call. We let you down, we're not perfect even when we act like it. We struggle with you in loneliness, in marriage difficulties, in financial difficulties, and relationships. We are just super good at covering it up. We need Jesus...badly....and we would love for you to step back in and point us to Him, because you are ready to call bluff and I want to be beside you when you do, and I want to be beside you when you win Jesus.
So back to #4.....It's not about me, it's about Jesus. It's about loving others, and doing life with people that need Him as much as you do. The awesome thing is..... when that happens you are filled to the fullest. Jesus fills you with the Hope in struggles, life, and eternity.....so therefore it kinda is about me...and about you....because it's about Jesus.
So yes, we go to Wiregrass Church.....where our mission statement is this....
because, our Heavenly Father isn't done with you.....
To God be the Glory.
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1 comment:
Appreciate you both not being willing to settle -
"Jesus doesn't promise easy, but He does promise victory. Surround yourself with your army that is going to fight the battles of life with you..."
Yes!
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